HIM AND GWYNETH ON THE BOTTOM LEFT AS A LESBIAN COUPLE IN BROOKLYN WHO OWN A STORE THAT ONLY SELLS SCARVES FOR DOGS IS MY FAVE
DRUNK ME RECENTLY BOUGHT SOBER ME 40 DVD COPIES OF “NATIONAL TREASURE.” I DON’T EVEN OWN A FUCKING DVD PLAYER.
ME AND @MISSGUIDED WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU’RE A PERFECT 10, I CELEBRATE MY SHREK BODY, AND YOU SHOULD LOVE WHATEVER YOU’RE WORKING WITH. PLEASE REMEMBER TO ALWAYS STAY HYDRATED AND GIVE ZERO FUCKS ABOUT WHAT ANYBODY THINKS. #babesofmissguided#thefatjewishxmissguided
Yesterday, as a romantic V-Day gesture, Kanye hired Kenny G to play sax live in their home for Kim amidst dozens of roses in glass vases, AND I HAVE MANY FUCKING QUESTIONS. Did Kenny stand there while they assembled the vases around him? Did he maneuver through a treacherous maze of glass to assume his sax spot? 2. Did he climb out or did he have to wait for them to be removed? How long did he stand there before Kim arrived? I NEED ANSWERS IT’S ALL I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR THE PAST 20 HOURS
LAST WEEK SOMEONE I KNOW CANCELED THEIR 15-PERSON BIRTHDAY DINNER ON THE DAY OF AND I SWEAR I FELT LIKE I HAD SHOT HEROIN
Katy Perry: whiter than a guy named Hunter with a tramp stamp of Bernie Sanders snowboarding into a Coldplay concert wearing cargo shorts holding a cage free locally sourced conflict free iced matcha (@versace_tamagotchi)
ALL I FUCKING CARE ABOUT IS CARBS AND LIKE 3 PEOPLE (@edlavacnn)
THIS IS FROM 2004 AND IT’S REALLY FUCKING SPECIAL @thedailyshow
STOP BLAMING ASTROLOGY, YOU’RE ACTUALLY JUST A HUGE BITCH
SO MANY PEOPLE WORKING ON A “CLEAN EATING PLAN” RIGHT NOW THAT WILL LAST EXACTLY 27 DAYS
AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? @emrata
SOME PEOPLE ARE AT WORK SOME PEOPLE ARE IN CABO SOME PEOPLE ARE DRUNK AT WORK, IT’S SO FUCKING CONFUSING WHAT ARE WE DOING
I get countless DM’s demanding that I repost the video of the unrealistically sweaty Eurocreep in Croatia on 80 pills of molly pelvic thrusting to David Guetta. His lawyer has emailed me threatening legal action if I post it again. But you know what? Today is Christmas, and there’s no better gift than this EDM-loving maniac and his terrifying drugs face. Yeah, I’m a fucking giver.
I5 FUCKING PLANE TICKETS FROM CHICAGO TO PARIS, 10 PIZZAS, HOME ALONE DAD WAS BALLLLLINGGGGGGGG
TURNS OUT THAT THE GREATEST FIGHT VIDEO OF ALL TIME ACTUALLY CONTAINS NO FUCKING VIOLENCE AT ALL. (ALSO, GIVING PEOPLE THE FINGER IS SO GOOD, I FLIPPED OFF A BABY YESTERDAY WHILE HIS TIBETAN BABYSITTER WAS TURNED AROUND AND IT FELT AMAZING)
Not all heroes wear capes. Some are Armenian midgets who are slightly under the weather. (@boujeeslut)
So many $9 iced matchas, so little fucking income.
“Grandpa, I’m a social media disruption specialist for a multi vertical gender fluid dating app!” said the 26 year old girl at Thanksgiving dinner to her grandfather who lost his hand in Korea and thinks Hillary Clinton worships Satan, who nods approvingly, yet is deeply confused and upset. (@broazay)
THIS WORKOUT IS SO NECESSARY FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU’RE RUNNING TO CATCH A FLIGHT BECAUSE YOU ACTED LIKE A FUCKING COWBOY AND GOT TO THE AIPORT 39 MINUTES BEFORE TAKEOFF AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE ABOUT TO PHYSICALLY COLLAPSE AND DIE IN FRONT OF A HUDSON NEWS OR AUNTIE ANNE’S PRETZELS ?
THE. SUNGLASSES. ARE. NOWHERE. NEAR. HIS. FUCKING. LLAMA. EYES. THIS. IS. INCREDIBLE.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE COMPLETELY DEAD INSIDE AND HAVE SEEN LITERALLY EVERYTHING SO NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY SCARE YOU. BRITNEY, I FEEL YOU GIRL. SOUND ⬆️ (@sainthoax)
“White people love snitching so much, they invented yelp” – @desusnice
HOLY FUCK THIS CANNOT BE UNSEEN (@pizzaslime)
THIS AIRPLANE PILOT IS VERY FUCKING GOOD AT HALLOWEEN
Please enjoy this video of two bees having actual sex, like one is literally holding the other’s butt while fucking it. THIS IS LIKE BEE SPRING BREAK. (Also, anyone in my comments saying nerdy shit like “Ummmm these are actually wasps” will get that ass BLOCKED)
Wait, am I washed up because I’m worried that he’s ruining a cast iron pan with that sponge and the soap?? I NEED TO GO GET BLACKOUT DRUNK IMMEDIATELY AND RECLAIM MY FUCKING YOUTH.
Me and the fucking queen @Madonnaheld auditions to be one of her dancers. Watch the full video at MDNASKIN.com. I mostly just eat falafel. #savageviscerality
IF YOU WERE LOOKING TO TAKE MOLLY IN THE NEAR FUTURE, I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS SWEATY EUROPEAN FUCKLORD HAS TAKEN IT ALL AND THERE IS LITERALLY NONE LEFT ON EARTH. (I put this video on my story and people flooded my DM’s verbally abusing me and demanding that I post it)
IT’S BEEN AN INTENSE FUCKING WEEK OF OLD WHITE MEN SCREAMING AT EACHOTHER, SO LET’S TAKE A MINUTE TO NOTE THAT PARTY ROCK ANTHEM IS THE EXACT SAME TEMPO AS BILLY JOEL’S UPTOWN GIRL. THIS IS IMPORTANT. VOLUME ⬆️, STUPID. (@stanlewis_)
HERE’S A VIDEO OF TRUMP WITH TOILET PAPER STUCK TO HIS SHOE BOARDING AIR FORCE ONE, THIS POST WILL INEVITABLY LEAD TO A GUY NAMED JEFF WITH A CALF TATTOO WHO WORKS AT A T-MOBILE KIOSK AT THE MALL IN TAMPA BAY CALLING ME AN “OBESE CUCK” IN THE COMMENTS
Things I like: women with a latex allergy, dark meat chicken McNuggets from the ‘90’s with the occasional purple vein in them, THIS FUCKING VIDEO (@sainthoax)
I WISH I WAS IN MYKONOS WITH LINDSAY LOHAN WATCHING HER DANCE ON ECSTASY IN A SILK ROMPER, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK?
Heyyyyyyy Russia, can you please stop trying to politically puppeteer us and maybe use all your teen hackers for some shit that we’d all actually be into? K THANKS BYEEEEE (@samaranieves)
THE WEATHER CHANNEL IS THIRSTYYYYY FOR FUCKING HURRICANE RATINGS (Watch the 2 bros in the background casually walk by)
One time I had unprotected sex with a white woman with dreadlocks who was a vegan, and she took a shit in my bathroom that literally smelled like a corpse filled with cabbage. Burned my eyes when I walked in there.
The first guy to discover milk probably did a lot of other weird shit.
I’m not gay, but fucking Joe Biden would be patriotic, right?
Never fucking forget. #9/11
I HOPE YOUR LABOR DAY WEEKEND IS AS INCREDIBLE AS LINDSAY LOHAN DANCING (POSSIBLY ON ECSTASY) IN MYKONOS @itsdrewhunter@heyitsneilwang
Some girls want flowers. Some want ridiculously expensive sushi. SOME JUST WANT TO WANDER AROUND COSTCO SCARFING FREE SAMPLES @hinge
I’VE WATCHED THIS LITERALLY 80 STRAIGHT TIMES AND IT’S ONLY GETTING FUNNIER (I’m stoned off a bespoke weed scone from Brooklyn, but still) @eve_forster
I’m sure this comment section is going to be super fun and reasonable!
Post Malone had apparently always had good fashion sense and looked like his dick smells weird.
WALK UP IN THE CLUB LIKE “WHAT UP THIS IS REALLY LOUD AND THIS WHITE DUDE ON COKE WHO LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE CHAINSMOKERS KEEPS BUMPING INTO ME AND THIS $13 DRINK WAS MADE BY A SHITBAG MIXOLOGIST WITH AN IRONIC MUSTACHE I’M GETTING AN UBER AND GOING TO EAT LO MEIN NAKED IN MY HOME”
ALSO, IF YOU GAVE IT SUNGLASSES I FUCKSSSSS WITH YOU. IF YOU PUT IT IN THE CENTER YOU’RE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL PSYCHO.
Remember when the world was supposed to end in 2012? What happened to that? WHO FUCKED THAT UP
2022: EVERYONE IS AN INFLUENCER (THOSE WITH UNDER 100 FOLLOWERS ARE REFERRED TO AS “NANO INFLUENCERS”), BUT NOBODY CAN CHANGE A FUCKING TIRE.
In a world of darkness, this middle aged white woman with a FUPA wearing hospital scrubs and jeans holding some sort of large animal horn absolutely murdering a Missy Elliot karaoke song is surely a ray of light.
SHOUT OUT TO EVERYONE IN TAMPA WITH A HORRENDOUS LEG TATTOO WHO DOESN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR DAD
Hey guys, just a quick reminder that Blue Ivy’s life is sooooo much fucking better than yours. Have a great night peasants!
I’ve been drinking rosé since 10:30, should I start drunk dialing celebrities I have in my phone? MICHAEL B JORDAN I’M SORRY IN ADVANCE DUDE
People my age are having children on purpose and I still haven’t unpacked from a trip I took to Ibiza in fucking March. I got a UTI on that trip. (@thekayanova)